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The Joy of Sex--with a Vampire

It’s the rage.  Drop your skivvies and do the carnal tango with our favorite fanged citizens of the undead.  There are almost as many novels out about romancing the vampire as there are cooking books by Rachael Ray.
So what about sex with a vampire?  Some argue that vampires have no urge for sex.  They get their kicks, daddy-o, from fanging a victim and drinking blood.  The whole biting the neck scene is a metaphor for sex.  Duh!
Well, no.  What a cop-out.
Vampires reek of sensuality.  Male vampires have that bad ass confidence women find so irresistible.  It’s that bad boy image women lust for.  (Women also like guys who own a home so what if bad boy has a mortgage?  And he never gets notices from the home owners association?  How bad can he be?  Yikes.)
Female vampires are always major babes.  I’ve yet to read of a female vampire on a Weight-Watchers Type A-positive diet.  Supernatural powers and cellulite don’t go together.  Does this leather bustier and pointy, stainless-steel bra make me look fat?  
Are there nerd vampires?  Or do even the goofiest of geeks grow into their undead predatory persona?   What happens if they need glasses?  And if they’re balding?  Hello, my name is Count Dracula and I’m president of the Hair Club for Men.
Where were we?  Sex.  Assuming all vampires have the stamina of a John Deere tractor--a good thing I’m told--what about grinding loins with them that is such a thrill?
Maybe it’s the fantasy element.  It’s safe to drool about something that doesn’t exist.  Knock yourselves out with the fantasy.  It can’t ever happen. 
Rebel Sinclair, adds these choice words:
Sex with a vampire is always hot, despite the undead companion's cold blood...and why is this so?  Because they're dangerous, untameable.  They're an enigma of romance and kinky lust.  They spark the feeling of fooling around in the backseat of an old Monte Carlo at two a.m. when you should have been home at eleven. Vampires are greedy, selfish things...and what more do human beings of all walks of life love than to be the willing, tragic victim?  Mere mortals would much rather be right than be happy, and for most of us the right thing is a series of incomprehensible orgasms. La petit morte!
Have fun!

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Continued from Metro page 3

investigation was handed over to the Denver Police Special Undercover Squad.  Detective Corporal Darla Schmaltz, secret undercover investigator, said, “Our investigation to determine the identity of John Doe is hampered because agents from Homeland Security confiscated all of our evidence including the remains of Mr. Doe.  In spite of that, we’re making progress.”
Witnesses described a Buick Regal and a Ford Crown Victoria racing and crashing against each other on Speer Boulevard.  John Doe was ejected from the Ford and run over by passing traffic.  The bullet-riddled Buick was later found smashed into a pole on Brighton Boulevard.  “It’s what you’d expect to find on the north side,” remarked Det. Schmaltz.  “You know the kind who live there.”
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