Quit holding your breath!
X-RATED BLOODSUCKERS, the long awaited sequel to the best-selling
THE NYMPHOS OF ROCKY FLATS,
is on sale now! Don’t
walk…run, sprint, dash—in other words—haul
major ass to your nearest bookstore. If you trip
and sprain an ankle, then suck it up, trooper.
The Nymphos of Rocky Flats was
awarded the Westword Best of Denver 2007.
The Joy of Sex--with a Vampire
It’s the rage. Drop your skivvies and do the carnal
tango with our favorite fanged citizens of the undead. There
are almost as many novels out about romancing the vampire as
there are cooking books by Rachael Ray.
what about sex with a vampire? Some argue that vampires
have no urge for sex. They get their kicks, daddy-o, from
fanging a victim and drinking blood. The whole biting the
neck scene is a metaphor for sex. Duh!
reek of sensuality. Male vampires have that bad
ass confidence women find so irresistible. It’s that
bad boy image women lust for. (Women also like guys who
own a home so what if bad boy has a mortgage? And he never
gets notices from the home owners association? How bad
can he be? Yikes.)
vampires are always major babes. I’ve yet
to read of a female vampire on a Weight-Watchers Type A-positive
diet. Supernatural powers and cellulite don’t go
together. Does this leather bustier and pointy, stainless-steel
bra make me look fat?
there nerd vampires? Or do even the goofiest of geeks
grow into their undead predatory persona? What happens
if they need glasses? And if they’re balding? Hello,
my name is Count Dracula and I’m president of the Hair
Club for Men.
were we? Sex. Assuming all vampires have
the stamina of a John Deere tractor--a good thing I’m told--what
about grinding loins with them that is such a thrill?
it’s the fantasy element. It’s safe
to drool about something that doesn’t exist. Knock
yourselves out with the fantasy. It can’t ever happen.
Sinclair, adds these choice words:
Sex with a vampire is always hot, despite the undead companion's
cold blood...and why is this so? Because they're dangerous,
untameable. They're an enigma of romance and kinky lust. They
spark the feeling of fooling around in the backseat of an old
Monte Carlo at two a.m. when you should have been home at eleven.
Vampires are greedy, selfish things...and what more do human
beings of all walks of life love than to be the willing, tragic
victim? Mere mortals would much rather be right than
be happy, and for most of us the right thing is a series of
incomprehensible orgasms. La petit morte!
from Metro page 3
was handed over to the Denver Police Special Undercover Squad. Detective
Corporal Darla Schmaltz, secret undercover investigator, said, “Our
investigation to determine the identity of John Doe is hampered
because agents from Homeland Security confiscated all of our
evidence including the remains of Mr. Doe. In spite of
that, we’re making progress.”
described a Buick Regal and a Ford Crown Victoria racing and
crashing against each other on Speer Boulevard. John Doe was ejected from the Ford and
run over by passing traffic. The bullet-riddled Buick was later found
smashed into a pole on Brighton Boulevard. “It’s what you’d
expect to find on the north side,” remarked Det. Schmaltz. “You
know the kind who live there.”