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the Hollow Fang

2012 Classified ads

Dance Steps

Be a Dance mAestro!

The Newest Steps. Bosso Nova. Tango. Jitter Bug. And the latest Hit Parade Free Style moves!
Be the star of the party with our exclusive
Esay LEarn at HomeTM method.

Our handy floor map will guide you through the footwork. No thinking required. Made of quality space-age paper. Includes 331/3 vinyl record of music and instruction.

Send $2.95 plus 95¢ SH to
The Rhythm Method
PO Box 296, Dept 22F
NNew York, New York

Paleontology

Adventurers Wanted!

Trained paleontologists are in

HIGH DEMAND $$$!
Quit your hum-drum job and embark on exciting career find prehistoric creatures. Visit exotic lands and discover dinsauers and extinct maminals. Unearth new speicies in your backyard!
Win awards! Be famous!

Kit includes comprehensive instructional booklet, magnirefying glass, brush, and cardboard museum-grade display boxes.

For FREE application, send $1.25 in stamps to
School of Advanced Successful Careers
104 Main Street, Apt 2D Mailstop G
Shreveport, Loiusiana

Make Big Bucks as a Freelance Filer!

According to the US Dept of Important Statistics, lost paperwork and misplaced records cost business owners valuable $$$s. Filing experts are needed now! Earn money with our exclusive and POWERFUL RokkerfellerTM Indexing System. We train you! Our EZ-2-use correspondence course will teach how to master complex alphabetical and numerical catalog systems. Opportunites come to you. No canvasing required. Get started with our Work-at-Home kit! Includes Alphabet & Numbers study aid, pencils, sharpener, earaser, a complete set of blank 3X5 cards, and a portable filing box.

$$$ Don’t delay! $$$$

Remit $3.75 in check or MO

Jeremy Diamond Associates

8181 N Midway LN  Dept221

Chicago, Illinois  USofA

Nurse

Get
started on a medical career!
Ladies, your talents are critically needed
in our home clinics as “relationship” technitians.

Learn important therapy procedures with
valuable  hands-on training.

We need help with young female surrogates researching the ground-breaking fields of:
•Alcohol and pharmaceuticals effect on inhibitions
•Treatment of female “hysteria”
•The study of Oriental relaxation techniques
• Durability of Prophylactic materials

Don’t delay. The medical world needs you!
Generous compensation provided for qualified assistants.

Send with SASE to Anderson Clinnical Studies
c/o Surplus City
22 Frontage Rd A, Dept 181
Des Moines, Iowa

Application is FREE! Return this form and attach recent photo for discrete appointment and aplitude test. Name___________________ Address__________________ City_________State____
Check-box Please check box for prompter service.
I am not an officer of the law

We loves us our Vampires!
Carolyn Crane:
Mind Games		 A: Vampires have a lot going for them: secrets, and special sexual tricks and good outfits and super strength and they live at night, when all the cool people are out. Here's what I don't understand: WHERE ARE THE CAPES? I think that is the real question. Why does not one vampire wear a cape in UF? I think when vampires wear capes again, and truly embrace their heritage, that will show they are TRULY the best UF characters. That will be like saying, I am so badass, I'll even wear this totally silly thing. Preferably silky capes, with blood red lining. Thank you.
Jeanne Stein:
Crossroads		   If you write about vampires, as I do, immortality is a subject you give a lot of thought. It goes with the territory. Besides needing to drink blood to survive, the one constant in all vampire mythos is eternal life. In fact, it’s what distinguishes vampires from other supernatural creatures—while a werewolf, for instance, emphasizes what is mortal in us—primal urges—a vampire emphasizes what is immortal—never ending life. The vampire does not seek to destroy all mankind, but offers a nocturnal gift—transforming us into eternal youth with unending possibilities. How much better can you get?
Jaye Wells:
Silver-tongued Devil
 Vampires aren't just the perfect urban fantasy characters; they're the perfect characters for fiction, period. You need a cold-hearted predator? A tortured Byronic ideal to make the readers swoon? A snarky vixen? A super hero? A reluctant hero? An anti-hero? Vamp's your guy or gal. No other monster of myth and legend is so flexible, so versatile, so easily manipulated by the minds of evil authors. They're the embodiment of Thanatos as well as Eros, which tickles our puritanical obsessions with sex and death and sacrilege. Vampires are a monster for all seasons, all plots and all genres. In other words, they're the duct tape of fiction. And when it comes down to it, they're just ridiculously fun to write.
Nicole Peeper:
Eye Of The Tempest
 Five Reasons Vampires are on Top: 5) The sparkly ones make great disco balls. 4) They keep leather pants and poofy shirts makers in business. 3) Their moving in to abandoned buildings helps start the gentrification process in downtrodden cities. 2) They provide an important service by serving in many a love triangle. 1) Triple penetration. That is all.

Which leads to the next question: Where’s Felix? Felix

Here’s an update on our favorite smart-ass vampire.

Felix is back at his home office in Denver’s Oriental theater. But the world is hardly at ease. His best friend and über-vixen vampire Carmen Arellano remains in deep space, a prisoner of alien gangsters. Is she coming back? You bet!

Because Felix, the Araneum, and humans need her to fight the killer psycho Phaedra with her super mental powers and an entourage of killer supernatural sycophants. And returning to add his low-rent charm to the proceedings, Coyote. Bring sani-wipes.

When will this happen? Soon.
Working title: Rescue from Planet Pleasure

Unfortunately, the recent turmoil in the publishing industry has claimed many casualties, among them the continuing adventures of our intrepid undead private eye, Felix.

So an ebook is in the works. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, keep pimping these titles!
the Nymphos of Rocky Flats X-Rated Bloodsuckers Jailbait Zombie Undead Kama Sutra
Werewolf Smackdown Killing the Cobra You Don't Have A Clue An Elevated View

Obituaries (continued from page 32)

rectum. And the rest of him wasn’t in better shape.” So declared County Coroner Jesse “the Stiff” Muñoz. When asked about rumors regarding the disappearance of alleged mobster Gino Brunatti’s body, as well as the loss of all the records concerning the fire investigation of the home belonging to the late Dr. Leopold Hennison, Muñoz answered, “What’s next? Are you also going to ask about zombies? Why not vampires and werewolves? Get serious. This is the San Luis Valley. Nothing weird bothers us. Except UFOs. You seen a UFO?”

In related news, Buford Beauregard, Fire Investigator for the Ashley River Volunteer Fire Department and Jazz Band, confirmed suspicions that the destruction of the late Wendy Teagarden’s home may have been arson. “We found evidence of a military white phosphorus explosive. Very unusual, at least for this time of year.” In response to questions on whether the Teagarden fire may be related to the incineration of the Atlas Mortuary, Beauregard offered this reply. “That happened in Charleston. You’ll have to ask those SOBs.”